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The Magic Of The Big Screen

I keep having this same conversation over and over with several of my friends. The one where they're trying to convince me of the magic of the big screen (as if it was something I didn't know about...) Usually with Anthony, but most recently with Genise --telling me that watching Kurosawa's "Ran" on a television or a computer monitor was a big waste. Some movies are just meant for the big screen... blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, I know what I'm missing alright --all the assholes in the audience. The ones that bring their babies, the ones that answer their cell phones (or worse, they place a call during the movie.) The geezers in trench coats. The people that think they're so cute they need to let everybody in the fucking theatre know what they think by yelling at the screen. Laser pointers. The asshole next to me noisily eating nachos that smell like gym socks.

Several years ago (back before I more or less gave up going to theatres) I went to see Almodovar's "Kika". Anyway, my friends didn't want to sit in my preferred spot, the last row --at least then the assholes aren't behind me tossing popcorn, or putting their feet on the back of my seat. So these people sit down a couple rows back and they're talking and I figure it's cool they will quite down when the movie starts. Nope. The movie is in spanish with subtitles. I tell myself I can just read them and the talking won't bother me. Nope. After ten minutes or so of this I'm pretty steamed and I turn around and look the big mouth in the eye and I tell him:

"CAN YOU PLEASE KEEP QUIET?"

No snappy response but then he says: "FUCK YOU."

I turned around and continued trying to watch the film, but I was so pissed you could probably have cooked an egg on my head. But the talking stopped and eventually I calmed down and started to enjoy myself.

After the movie--as I step out of the restroom--my friend Wanda asks:

"do you know who that is?",

"yea, it's the guy in the theatre that I told to shutup",

"that's Axel Rose", she says.

You're not even safe in the foreign film/art film cinema. If you are lucky and get a good audience, the sharing can add a lot to the experience. Generally my experiences with audiences have been negative ones. So please... don't remind me what I'm missing when I watch a movie without going to the theatre. I already know.



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